Tuesday, September 28, 2010

A pesky problem

Normally I don't drink on a weeknight. It isn't that I think it is wrong or judge people who do, but really it isn't something that I normally do. I mean occasionally I might have a glass of wine with dinner or something a little harder if there is reason to *celebrate. Tonight neither situation is relevant, but as I write this a whiskey and coke is sitting two feet away on the coffee table. The reason is the story below.

*After every UNC loss I like to have a little Jameson on the rocks. Last year I might have a drank a little bit more than normal because of everyone's favorite runner up in the NIT.

This morning I was enjoying my cereal and oj and I heard a little rustling in our fireplace. I didn't think much of it until a squirrel popped its head out. At this moment I don't know who was more startled; me or the squirrel. *He ran out into our small duplex and scurried around until going into the bedroom. He was definitely afraid of me as he jumped from the floor to the bed to the lamp looking for a safe spot. Thankfully I was able to prop open the front door and then successfully lead the squirrel to the door. He happily (assuming) ran away in our front yard.

*I am assuming the squirrel was a he just because I don't want to use he or she every time. Sorry.

Anyway, that story was pretty funny when I retold it to M and some of my coworkers. I laughed about the situation and my reaction. The work day went fine and I was thinking it was going to be a little side story. Well it turns out that was just the beginning since when I came home the same squirrel (I'm assuming) was standing there in the middle of our living room next to a broken piece of stained glass and a turned over potted plant.

This time I was prepared and since no shotgun was available I grabbed a broom and chased the squirrel up and out through the fireplace. Then I spent the next 30 minutes cleaning up the squirrel hair and poop as well as the things he messed up around the place. It seems like every where I looked there was something else turned upside down that I hadn't originally seen. M came home and helped with cleaning up. We both were slightly upset about having this small rodent ransack our house. In terms of a having a squirrel in the house I didn't think it could get much worse.

Of course you probably know where I am going with this since it did get worse. M went to go clean behind the wine bottles in our kitchen. Little did she know that the squirrel that I thought had gone up the fireplace had actually come back down (before I blocked off the fire place) and was hiding out in the kitchen. When M got too close the squirrel jumped out in a way that can only be described as being shot out of a canon. M screamed in a way that would make any horror movie producer proud and I immediately jumped on the couch. The squirrel ran underneath the same couch I was perched on and M and I frantically discussed our strategy.

The strategy that we agreed upon was that she was going to open the front door and then I was going to try and move the couch out to startle the squirrel into moving. That didn't work as well as expected since the squirrel seemed content to stay behind the couch. In that moment M suggested that I move the couch in to try and get him to move. Well caught up in emotion I slammed the couch pretty hard into the wall. The rustling stopped. We slowly moved the couch away and saw what can only be described as a barely moving squirrel on it side. Upon further review the squirrel was barely breathing and did in fact die. It is weird to even write this, but I killed a squirrel with a couch.

Now if you have never been in this situation before here is a quick recap of what you do with a dead squirrel in the corner of your house. You panic. You call your jerk of a landlord, who proceeds to complain about his "bad day" and how he hasn't "even had dinner yet" while suggesting I wait till 8:15am to call his secretary to take care of the issue. You start calling all the pest removal companies that Google pulls up. The last one ended up being the most successful option since we were able to get a hold of Michael Tucker of Wildlife Removal Services who according to his business card is licensed, insured and experienced. That worked for us.

Michael came by our house and for $75 removed the squirrel, gave us advice and even cleaned up the small pool of blood from the badly damaged head. Even though I didn't know the social protocol I tipped him appropriately for all of this since what he did was something I wouldn't want to do for$75. He was about as nice as you can get and was extremely helpful cleaning up the squirrel and providing advise. If you ever have an animal in your house and you live in Minnesota I would call Michael at 952-884-3707.

Anyway, the exciting night ended and I am here enjoying my whiskey and coke (I might have a 2nd) and watching Ken Burns special on baseball. Hopefully this will be my first and last blog post on squirrels.


BC said...

Wait. You paid someone $75+ to come pick up a dead squirrel? The squirrel was dead, right? Dead. Like it wasn't moving or anything. Really? Shit, I'll do it next time for a six pack of High Life and a bag of Funyuns.

johnny said...

I'd be nice too if you paid me $75 to do something that I could do with a broom & a dust pan

Kevin Malphurs said...

If I would have been in Mississippi I would have given both of you a call. One thing that complicated things was that the squirrel did die, but at the time we called Michael the squirrel was still alive. I didn't really want to pick up a live squirrel and kill it. Also, I didn't know what to do with a live or a dead squirrel.

Jenny said...

Kevin - I laughed out loud at my desk reading this post. Squirrels are nasty little creatures and I was once attacked by one while trying to enjoy my lunch at the U. I swear that the nurse on the other end of my phone call put me on hold only to laugh and call all the other nurses over to recount my story.

Nancy said...

This went from hilarious (like I would have paid the big bucks to see you shooing a squirrel out of your home)to sooo sad! Poor squirrel just thought you needed a pet. :(